In a new tongue-in-cheek article on the San Francisco Gate, journalist Mark Morford ponders what the next great threat to the American way of life might be. After all, he says, “We gotta have an enemy. “It’s just a basic, nation-defining requirement. We must, as a culture, as a people, always find some sort of scapegoat upon which to blame all our ills. It’s just how we roll.”

Morford argues that homosexuality no longer fits the bill. “They are everywhere,” he argues. “They are almost normal. Gay marriage, the last civil right, is now less an impossible dream and far more a foregone conclusion.”

So, a new quest is on for our next scapegoat — and the hilarity of Morford’s candidates includes vegans, journalists, old people, rich people, smart people, Buddhists/Hindus, and of course, babies. On veganism he writes,

Let’s see: Often self-righteous? Check. Preachy? Check. Like to gather in suspicious little clusters and share weird tips about the best ways to cook kale as they hand out flyers at the New Life Expo and smoke lots of pot and twirl flaming Hula Hoops at Burning Man? Check. Plus, they can be sorta whimpery, frail, taste like kombucha. Could they take over?

Nah. Fearing a vegan revolution is like fearing a takeover by Muppet squirrels. Plus, they actually do have very good intentions and can be wonderfully nice, happy people, despite being no fun at barbeques and always bringing that weird seitan dish to the potluck. Plus, the lack of animal protein in their diets means they have little muscle mass and brittle bones and, if you have to, you can snap them like twigs.

Hahaha — but apparently Mark has never heard of all-vegan Ultimate Fighting Chamption Mac Danzig. Let’s just say I hope he didn’t read your last part about snapping like twigs. (Grin.)

Check out the rest of the funny article here, appropriately titled, “Beware of the Vegans!”